HELP! I need to forgive

This is probably one of the most requested conversations that I have to have with those that I counsel. Honestly speaking, whenever your life has been hit with trauma that has come by someone that you loved and particularly, someone that you trusted, it always leaves a damaging blow. Many people find it hard to pick up the pieces and move on. Even more so, how do you pick up the pieces, move on, and still find it in your heart to forgive that person? This is why I'm here today and hopefully this is why you have visited this site.

One of the first things I want to tell you is that your ability to forgive has nothing to do with forgetting what they did or how someone did what they did to you. I think a lot of people equate forgiveness with completely excusing the behavior and that's completely false. Your ability or inability to forgive really deals with the proper understanding that the person who hurt you doesn't have power over you.

Although what they did hurt you very deeply, although you may have trusted them to not do it, and although you may still be in shock that they would even bring such  a traumatic heart break into your life, they still don't have power over you. People only have the power that you give them. When you take back your power, they no longer have the power.  One of the tools that we utilize to take back the power is forgiveness. This doesn't mean that you forget the trauma. This doesn't mean that you forget the acts of dishonesty and disloyalty. This simply means that you release the person so that you can focus on the damage that was done. If a person is going to receive medical attention for a stab wound, the first step is making sure that the knife is completely pulled out of the flesh. After that, the wound can be treated so that it can get healing. It's the same way with life. In order to deal with the trauma and the effects of the trauma. We first have to completely remove the one by which the trauma came.

So, you can release them from your "heart jail".  What does this mean? I am so glad you asked. One's ability to forgive those that have been dishonest or brought trauma means that although you may not excuse the behavior, you release them from being a constant concern and "poison of the heart".  What ultimately happens when you forgive is that you release this person from your life and ultimately from your heart so that the poison of what they did does not continue to fester and build up in you.  As I mentioned before, it is important that you take back your power. Often when we have been violated or traumatized by a particular person, just the mention of that person's name or seeing that person in view has the power to change your attitude, change your disposition, and change your demeanor. When this happens, this is a clear indication that this person still has emotional power over you and you are emotionally bound to what they do and in most cases, what they don't do.

Many people act out in grave anger once they have been traumatized and in many cases this anger is merely an outward expression of the inner feelings of fear. This fear could be for any reason: the fear of being vulnerable, the fear of being powerless, the fear of looking and seeming as if you aren't strong and lack the ability to be in full control. Just because a person is angry doesn't mean that they are rightfully wholesome. This is why it is utterly important that your first step in forgiveness is understanding that in order to rest in your own power and authority, you have to release the offender and not make this about that person. Dear heart, this is all about you. This is all about you putting your pieces back together. This is all about you becoming stronger and wiser again. This is about recognizing boundaries that you did not set or enforce. This is about recognizing those moments when you saw the truth, but you ignored it because of gratification. This is not about your offender, although I am so sorry that the pain had to come by them. This, dear heart, is about you.

Here is a great reality. When you choose to hold on to people in order to blame them, want them to pay, want them to have the same thing happen to them, and want to see their downfall, that shows a bigger picture of who you are and where you are. Your inability to release the person who hurt you says that you feel as if you are in total control of what happens to them. Can I be honest? You holding blame over the person that traumatized you will not change who they are. You holding blame over the person that hurt you won't change the fact that that's what they did and that's probably what they'll do again to someone else. You holding on to the blame, to the anger, to the hatred, and that poison will only infect your life and through the lens of that hurt and pain, you will view everything else.

So let's talk about a healthy healing process. By no means am I suggesting that you immediately and quickly erase the trauma. My Philosophy is that you have to work through the trauma, you have to work through the pain, and you have to work through the hurt in order to get to a healed place. However, my first thrust to you is that working through that pain means that you first have to find a way to release your violator. If you don't release your violator, you will make your healing process about that person when it's actually about you. If you don't release your violator, you'll constantly try to work a process of healing yourself while continuing to feed yourself the same poison that has caused you to be in the place that you're currently in. So, our first step is to release the one who hurt you. Let them go. Your healing process, your time of renewal and revival, and you taking the time to put broken pieces back together has nothing to do with that person. As a matter of fact, if it had not been for that person violating you and bringing you to this place where you are right now, you may have never gone through the necessary steps that you're about to go through in order to be wiser, stronger, and so much better.

I can't say that I understand your pain and I cannot say with certainty that I know exactly what you're going through. I can say that I have had my share of pain and emotional barriers that left me feeling bitter, resentful, and lacking the appropriate tools to get better. Today I want to offer you an important tool. Forgiveness. Let me ask you a question. Have you ever done anything that hurt or traumatized someone else? If you haven't, I'm so happy for you and I pray you never do. However there has been a time in all of our lives where we have needed forgiveness. Our violation may not have been as traumatic, but the truth Still Remains, we needed forgiveness. I have done things in my life where I needed forgiveness and I'm so grateful that I received it.

It's not about whether or not they deserve it. It's not about whether or not they're worthy of it. None of us have ever been worthy of forgiveness, neither have we been deserving of it. Yet, it's been a free gift that we've been given and for some strange reason, we've been given chance after chance. Make up your mind and posture your heart today to let people go. Release them from the jail and prison of your heart. Don't keep carrying that dead weight around. Let them go so that you can work on getting better, getting whole, and getting completely healed.

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